Things My Husband Says

Me: Did you take your lunch?

 

Hubby: YES. I am fat because of you.

 

Me: Chicken and veggies make you fat?

 

Hubby: Eating does.

 

Me: I won’t make dinner tonight.

 

Hubby: You better.

 

Me: Didn’t you just say that eating makes you fat?

 

Hubby: Eating lunch.

 

 

Me: So eating lunch makes you fat and eating dinner doesn’t make you fat. Is that the correct statement?

 

Hubby: It could be. But don’t quote me on it.

Things My Husband says....

Email conversation started because husband refuses to take leftovers for lunch.

 

Me: I might pick up Chic-Fil-A for you since you won’t eat leftovers. What would you like?

 

Hubby: I took the ground beef. I’m leery of the sausage since it’s from Sunday. Plus I think the grease caused some issues within my SYSTEM!!!! I even brought the veggies. You need to be nicer to me. I’m the only husband you got.

 

Me: I made the sausage fresh for you. It wasn’t from Sunday, love.

 

Hubby: You made sausage on Sunday.

 

Me: Right and I had an unopened sausage that I cooked for your lunch the day I made the ground beef and spaghetti. It wasn’t from Sunday.

 

Hubby: Okay. Quit giving me the third degree. Probably going to die from eating all this old food, though.

 

Me:I’m not. I just think you are assuming I am not taking care of my man and I am.

 

Hubby: I never accused you of that. Now I feel sad. I need a Criterion dvd.

 

Me: “You need to be nicer to me. I’m the only husband you got.”

 

Hubby:Because yr yelling at me for not eating.

 

Me: Stop it. I am discussing a topic. Nobody is angry. I have to help my anorexic husband.

 

Hubby: I’m so fat. I need a book to comfort me.

 

Me: You need a book because you are fat and a dvd because???

  

Hubby: My wife yelled at me.

 

Me: But she didn’t.

 

Hubby: She doth protest too much

 

Me:Maybe the husband is too picky.

 

Things My Husband Says

 

 Email exchange between Hubby and me about books........ 

 

 

 

 Hubby: BTW, I hope you are okay with us appropriating a few of the Ignatius titles for our own library.

 

Me: Uh, No

 

Hubby: I already put them on the shelves! You’ll never find them!!!!

 

Me: I will use the invoice and scour the bookcases.

 

Hubby: I shredded all the invoices.

 

 Me: I have an email version with me at work.

 

Hubby: I just sent a virus to your account that will eliminate it.

 

Me:The drastic measures you take just to keep a book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conversations With My Husband

Scene: Hubby and I are working at our places of employment.  Hubby calls me.

 

Hubby:  I’m dying

 

Me: What are you dying from this time?

 

Hubby: I don’t know- just regular dying…..and, I’m fat.

 

Me: You’re regular dying ?

 

Hubby: And I am fat. How many lottery tickets do you want?

 

Things My Husband Says....

"Your plethora of email addresses signifies the schizoid tendencies of your fractured mind and its alter egos."

Things....

  

Me: Well, do you want to go somewhere in March?

 

Hubby: We can. Where do you want to go?

 

Me: I don’t know.

 

Hubby: Well, I think we need to consider our dog in this.

 

Me: And our fish

 

Husband: Family meeting!!!!

 

Things My Husband Says.....

Conversation between Hubby and Me via email

Me:  I will be going out for appetizers with some ladies from work and will be home late. Also, I might start having some of my Amazon shipments come to work.

Hubby: Are you cheating on me already? Is this part of your *ladies night* ploy? I am suspicious….

Me: Is this fake suspicious or real ?

Hubby: It’s in-between!!!! And how late is late? I don’t want to be waiting up late for you

Me: So, may I go or not go?

Hubby: I am not stopping you from doing anything. Just know that cheating is a mortal sin. And even if you are forgiven, it takes no less than three hundred excruciating years in purgatory to pay the debt.

Things My Husband Says....

My email to my husband: Hubby, someone brought cookies into work. Do you want me to bring one home for you?

Hubby's email: Might as well, I just ate ice cream for lunch!

Me: WHAT?!!

Hubby: Yes.  A) Who can resist soft-serve ice cream and B) I'm dying.

Things My Husband Says.....

Scene: I am at work and Hubby has taken the day off to go to the dentist. He had to wake up at 4:30 a.m. to make the appointment. It is now 2:30 in the afternoon and I get a call.

Me: *** department, Hunie speaking.

Hubby: My heart is beating really fast so I wanted to call and say goodbye.

Me: You aren't dying.

Hubby: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.... didn't you go to the dentist this morning?

Hubby: Yes

Me: Didn't they give you some kind of numbing medication?

Hubby: Yes......

Me: Didn't you drink coffee this morning?

Hubby: Yes....

Me: Have you eaten anything?

Hubby: Not yet.

Me: Go eat.

Things My Husband Says

Husband: "Pulled a Hunie and spilled coffee all over the counter as I was leaving."

Me: "Um, no, that was a Hubby move."

Husband: "Lack of dexterity with everyday objects usually leading to said objects being broken, spilled, destroyed. This is known as the Hunie Butterfinger rule."

Random Stuff

Husband: You should make Francis draw Aloysius (Francis is a friend and Aloysius is our fish).

Me: Francis is too busy to draw our fish… don’t you think?

Husband: I don’t care. Too bad we aren’t good artists in that aspect --- the adventures of Aloysius would make a great children’s book --- and a colorful one at that.

Me: I am a fantastic artist. I have been asked to illustrate a book

Husband: What book? And when did you become a fantastic artist? Is this when you became a mermaid?

Me: Have you ever seen any of my art work?

Husband: I’ve seen doodles, which aren’t horrendous, but not what I had in mind concerning a picture of my son. And I saw your illustrated *book* about the boy who wanted to dance, but that was when you were a kid.

Me: I’m going to have that book professionally published. I’m a mermaid.

 

 

Things My Husband Says

My husband describing magnetic stays for his collar:

Perfect for the business casual dresser. Don’t really need them if you are buttoning the top button/wearing a tie. But since I rarely do that for work, sometimes the collars just splay all over, even though I have the stays in. The magnets keep them fully in line. Check it out when you get home tonight --- I’m wearing them now.

You don’t know how much of a pain it’s been walking around half the time looking like a character from the 1970s.

No good if you have a pacemaker, though.